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With her wedding just weeks away, a young woman calls Esther with a question she’s been carrying for most of her life: how do you allow yourself joy when you’ve learned to make yourself small? Growing up alongside a non-speaking autistic brother taught her to be vigilant, self-effacing, and attuned to everyone else’s needs. Joy and celebration have always come with guilt. As the wedding approaches, those old patterns threaten to keep her on emotional eggshells during one of the most meaningful days of her life. Together, they explore what it means to grow up as the “easy” child, and how claiming space does not betray the people we love.
Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.
Producer’s Note: When our anonymous guests do a session with Esther for the podcast, it is an act of generosity for everyone who listens. These sessions are meant not only to support the people in the room with Esther, but all of us who learn from their stories. Our stories have many chapters, and what you hear is just one moment in someone’s journey. So even though the sessions are anonymous, please remember that real people are behind them and they may be reading your comments.
What a beautiful exploration, Esther.
I am wrestling with a similar issue myself.
I’m a 68-year-old single dad of a 33-year-old young man with moderate-to-severe autism who lives with me. My first wife (my son’s mom) passed 14 years ago. My second marriage, during which my son initially lived with my second wife and I, ended in divorce when I was unable to transition him to a separate, suitable living situation with adequate support in a time frame that worked for my ex-wife.
I’m now trying again, but with a different approach. I’m attempting to move forward with a potential long-term long-distance relationship, but unlike in my second marriage, I’m handling my son’s transition on my own, not involving my current partner in it, and traveling to see her where she lives while my son remains behind with a respite provider. I’ve begun to get to know my partner’s family and friends, but though she has been supportive and kind with respect to my efforts on behalf of my son, I’ve purposely been keeping this part of my life separate, and am learning, also later in life, to take better care of myself.
It’s given me a lot of joy in allowing myself to have this belated taste of a new life. Mixed with this has also been a huge amount of sadness, guilt and even shame, that my son has not moved further along yet, that I haven’t done a better job for him, that it’s so hard to bring him more fully into the circle of people who care about me so that they can see who he really is and he can feel accepted and loved as well, with the knowledge that this is something he does not have the ability to do for himself. I am trying to fashion a life where I am still with my son and give him full attention for most of the week, tapering that down to a few days every other week. I may end up living my life in these two separate places. Sometimes unique challenges require unique solutions.
The true story of developmental disabilities and family, which you and your guest explored so thoughtfully, is not infrequently the isolation and loneliness it engenders, how “differentness” can lead to ostracism in barely perceptible, but absolutely crushing ways. I say this as someone who has spent years in leadership of disability support organizations with the lived experience of having friends, family members and acquaintances facing similar challenges in their families. All this helps, but the reality is that even for the most proactive, social, balanced and committed of parents, most days can feel like an exhausting series of challenges often handled completely alone.
As beautiful as I thought it was the way you gently coaxed your guest to find pathways to truly enjoy her wedding and experience it for herself, I found one of the most touching moments in the episode when, near the end, you demonstrated how your guest explaining to her parents what your guest needed could actually help the parents learn how to find ways to do more for themselves. We parents can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but as they say, sometimes the third time is the charm.
Hi Esther, I'm a sibling and an author who wrote a memoir on this topic. I'd love to give a copy to your guest. Is there a way to connect or an address I could send the book to?
Here's a link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Forces-Nature-Memoir-Family-Finding/dp/1960018795
And a link to the review in the Washington Post: https://www.washingtonpost.com/books/2024/05/13/forces-nature-demillo-wagner/