A version of this article was originally published on my website on July 3, 2025.
Shall We Begin?
You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
You can also be single and still feel deeply held.
The difference, often, is friendship.
This spring, we focused a lot on dating—the highs, the lows, and the ways to breathe life into an experience that, for many, has become an exhausting merry-go-round. Swiping. Matching. Picking. Planning. Clicking. Ghosting. Sometimes you really fall, deeply. And sometimes it just fades, strangely. If you decide to try again, it’s easy to get back on the ride. And it’s good to try again, via apps, singles nights, parties, clubs, blind dates, you name it. There are a lot of options for finding connection.
The problem is: when you’re surrounded by (or swiping through) so much possibility for romantic connection without actually connecting to someone, it can be a terrible, lonely experience. But you have to remember: you are not alone.
Your Relationships
To anyone experiencing deep loneliness around a lack of romantic connection, know this: not having a romantic relationship does not mean you are “not in a relationship.”
You are likely in many relationships. One of the most important connections in life is the connection we have with our friends, and not just when dating is hard or after a big breakup. The beauty of having friendships lies in the quiet, everyday miracle of being known—and still loved. Friendship is a layer cake of connection, full of the ingredients that make life rich, such as:
Witnessing: A friend is someone who sees your life as it unfolds—your heartbreaks and your triumphs—and remembers them with you. And you do the same for them.
Shared language: Over time, friendships develop their own rhythm, shorthand, and inside jokes. It’s a kind of poetry—private, earned, and deeply comforting.
Chosen constancy: Unlike familial ties or romantic bonds, friendships are often maintained purely by choice, not obligation. That makes their endurance especially beautiful.
Mutual reflection: A friend reflects you back to yourself, not as the world sees you, but as they know you to be, especially when you forget who you are.
Play and lightness: Amid life’s weight, friends make space for laughter, silliness, and joy. They create pockets of levity that keep us human.
Going Deeper Into Friendship
This summer on my podcast, Where Should We Begin?, we’re taking a journey through the love and heartbreak of friendship. Each episode has its own characters, plot points, and insights, but taken together, it’s a patchwork of joy and grief, secrets and advice, listening and holding. We’re kicking off with something very different—and deeply personal.
My friend, Trevor Noah, has been hosting some of his “favorite people” on his podcast. I’m honored to be on that special list of friends, and I’ll be including our conversation on my own podcast as well. We talk about our lives with a depth and candor I rarely engage in publicly. But with a good friend, opening up is easier, more fulfilling. I am happy to do it with Trevor.
And I am happy to go even deeper into the topic of friendship all summer long. Listen in to hear friends navigating hard conversations in my office as well as some of the best advice and storytelling from my own friends.
Let’s Turn the Lens On You
Take five quiet minutes. Grab a notebook, your voice memo app, or just pause for a mental check-in.
Step 1: Name the Relationship
Think of one friend—not your partner, not your family member—who has made you feel deeply seen.
Step 2: Remember the Moment
Recall a time when that friend reflected you back to yourself, created space for joy, or helped you remember who you are. Write about that moment. What happened? How did you feel? What did it mean to you?
Step 3: Reach Out
Before the day ends, send a message to that friend. It doesn’t need to be long—just something simple. If you’d like, you can use this script:
“Hi, [Name]. I thought about that time we [insert memory]. It made me feel [insert feeling]. Thank you for being someone who really sees me.”
That’s it. One memory. One friend. One small act of connection.
More from Esther
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Conversation Starters
A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information
TO READ:
The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen asks, “What if the most important relationship in your life wasn’t romantic?” This remarkable book celebrates the intimacy, commitment, and devotion found in deep friendship. It’s a timely invitation to expand how we think about love, care, and the structures that hold us.
“It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart” by Jennifer Senior (The Atlantic) offers a deeply human portrait of a friendship’s unraveling, and the grief we rarely name. You’ll see your own stories in its quiet wreckage.
Inherited Fate by Noémi Orvos-Tóth is a powerful exploration of how the past lives in our bodies, our patterns, and our choices. Orvos-Tóth’s new book offers a framework for healing the pain we didn’t choose but still carry—a must-read for anyone doing the work of breaking cycles.
